GentleOceanMichuru

anyway I figured I'd tell you guys how I've been doing since it's been AGES. 

the last entry I made was pretty cheery but I gotta be honest with you, that's not an accurate reflection of how my life's been. last summer I actually became depressed and it got pretty severe. I was really suicidal for several months and yes, I've self-harmed. no knives or marks left over - I'm scar free - and it never became a habit or a normal reaction to stress, so it could have been a HELL of a lot worse and I'm really relieved that it wasn't. it sounds worse than it was. 

my personality has been pretty fucked over by the mental illness - you guys know better than anyone how happy my normal state is, as you didn't witness my crash and so haven't become accustomed to this. 

it WAS caused by something that happened, and wasn't just an intrinsic brain chemistry thing, but I've basically been given a gag order and I can't discuss any of it publicly on the internet. it's not a police thing, it's more of a deal that was made (though the other person only kept up their end of the bargain for two weeks, which is quite frankly pretty pathetic and hella dishonest, but I keep my word) - it wasn't anything too drastic, I'm just a lot more dependent on other people than I'd previously realized. kinda sad actually. 

Yes, I'm in therapy, and no, I'm not on antidepressants. bloodwork is required before that can be done, and my phobia of needles is way too bad for me to do that unless it is absolutely necessary, not to mention the original trigger is still unresolved and so I don't know how effective they'd be, and I'd probably end up dependent on the medication as a result of that. there's actually been a little progress on that recently but there's no telling how long it'll take. there's no connection between my depression and my mom's death - believe me, this has been looked into enough. (it's actually gotten to be kind of a pain how much people assume that's the reason. no, for crying out loud, I do NOT have unresolved issues of grief. at the time I was still healthy enough to handle it and go along my merry way. the emotional screwing up happened later.)

me and my girlfriend did break up after being together for six months, but luckily nothing major had caused that - there was no dishonesty or skeeviness or arguments or anything like that. we were still really good friends for a long time after that, and though that's since faded, once again there was nothing bad that happened so I'm pretty emotionally chill about that.

anyway, right now I'm in university! I'm going to major in psychology and my goal is to eventually become a gender therapist. there's currently only one specialist in the city and she is overworked like HELL so it'll be a good job - I'll never have any shortage of clients, I'm good at while I'll do, and the pay is damn good. it's pretty much the perfect job for me. unfortunately I'm going to need at least a Master's degree in psychology before I can practice (which is annoying and dumb) so I'll be in school for quite a while, but oh well.

that's the main stuff I wanted to say I think? oh yeah, I've also realized that I have some sort of anxiety disorder. it hasn't been officially diagnosed (yet?) but panic attacks are not exactly a thing that happens to normal, healthy people, and I'm a pretty textbook case. it's something that was always present but very subtle (trouble with public speaking [part of why I decided to not pursue teaching], unable to phone businesses, really bad stage fright), but depression made it WAY worse and it's more of a problem now. for example, I can't practice violin (which I started learning last fall) if there's anyone else in the house and/or that would be able to hear me, which is a big issue because my brother does not leave the house except for school, during which I am also usually at school. it's a pretty bad situation. ah well.

so! those are my updates. I spend like 98% of my free time on tumblr (and not doing homework because I'm a moron) so if you have it too, my url is oceanictardis. I'll probably pop in now and then though I don't see myself being active on here, let alone having the same level of activity as I did a couple years ago.